hello hello

Do you still know me? Sorry for the long lag but saying "I've been busy" would be an understatement, honestly.

So work has been taking much of my time that I haven't gotten any haircut since I left my previous job. Bwahaha! My eyebrows are no longer "tamed" it's like a wild forest actually but whenever there are cancelled meetings and tasks can wait for an hour, I grab the chance to run to the nearby mall, in a facial center, and have my eyebrows and underarms threaded. My sched is that busy.

My personal life also eats up my time. I have a boyfriend now but it's an LDR kinda thing so most of my time are spent in front of my laptop, skyping with him. He even bought me an iphone4 so we can "viber" and "facetime" which is much more cheaper than IDD. haha! Overall though, I'm so happy and excited for things to unfold between us. Most of the time, I wish he was here. Especially when I'm put up to make a decision for both of us or in times of confusion or whenever I feel like giving up because the stakes are too high. Everytime I hit the bed to sleep, I miss him. I wish I was sharing my bed with him, sleeping beside him, waking up next to him.

LDRs are really challenging but it's possible to make it work. I always hear negative comments from people about us being a hundred miles away but honestly, I'm much more closer to him than my room mate or anyone so to speak. We talk in a way that nobody else can talk to him or me. We're bestfriends and we feel whatever each of us feels even if we are not together physically just because we are completely honest with each other and we take the time out of our busy schedules to communicate.

Then again, LDRs are hard so, we are taking steps to end our long distance relationship and be together already.

hard-hitting questions

I was at Boracay a few days back but this time, I was with my BFFs; not alone. I actually enjoyed my time there, eating my heart out without any guilt just because I'm the thinnest amongst us and because my bikinis and monakini were all falling off. (eewww!) We all went together for our friend's wedding but more than that, we had our much needed pep-talk to and for each other, especially me being always the troubled one. I mostly had my pep-talk from my single friend, Jan who I'm always with because the other two were spending some of their time with their respective boyfriends. I love talking to Jan because she always "gets" me even when I couldn't explain myself. She would always show another perspective of the whole scenario I am in and most of the time, it would lead me to a solution to my issues. And I love how she just bombard me with questions until I find my answer and not just lay out all her opinions about my issues.

Not a lot of people know about the relationships or might I say, pseudo-relationships I had the past few months. It's been a year since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me and I have made a huge effort to open up myself to other people for a possible happy-ending with them. There's this one guy who have became my almost-lover. We never really talked about the label of our relationship but we enjoyed spending time together. I also never really talked about him to anyone but only to my BFFs which are the girls I was with in Boracay. That guy and I have parted ways already but not in a good way. It's sad that we ended up that way but that's the way life goes.

Jan asked me, "Did you really had feelings for him?" I have already moved on from him and I am happier now with another guy (who calls me doll). It's kinda sad that people think I just used "him" to get over my broken heart and I dumped him as soon as my current love came in, but I didn't. I didn't use him. Did I had feelings for him? I guess I would say, I love how he made me feel. I love how he gives me time, how he goes over his tabs for me and how he's different in a good way when he's with me. I never felt a strong love for him but I did open myself to him. I gave him time and chance for us to have that connection. I have searched deep within me if I there is a possibility for us to be more than just friends. For some reason, just when I thought that we have a shot of being a couple, something in me just died and the possibility of us being a couple got lost too.

It was not his fault but neither was it mine. I didn't use him. I had feelings for him but it was not enough to commit to him. I have searched my heart for his spot and tried to nurture that but it failed. I have nothing to complain about him, he's all that and more but it's just not him for me. I guess my only fault was I never explained myself to him. He just found one day that I stopped going out with him. I'm not really good at "dumping" people. I never said no, I just disappeared. He deserves more than that. He deserves a last talk with me but I can't handle it now.But for what it's worth, I did have feelings for him.

a prayer

Based on true to life story which happened minutes ago...

Him: Diyos ko po!
Tulungan nyo ko!
Mahal ko tong babaeng to
Pero ayaw nya maniwala!

Me: wrong sent po. ipadala mo yan sa langit. hehe!

Him: oo nga pala.
ayan, na-send na.

resist

So, I was busy obsessed about this certain thing. I never went back to the gym, never did yoga again, never trained for long runs, never did anything since then. I even sleep with the lappy turned on on my bedside (I was not eco-friendly too). But that's how I am. Once I'm into something, I give it my all. Probably not healthy but I choose to hold on to whatever happiness there is available for me.

But now, I have to wait so I have to stop this obsession too. It's sad and difficult to stop myself. I'm so into it already but as they say, sh*t happens. On second thoughts, it's not really a sh*tty thing to happen. To buy a little more time and contemplate on things is not sh*tty.

One thing I learned throughout this whole ordeal though is to be secretive. I'm such a chatterbox so I'm actually surprised that for a few weeks, only two people knew about it (that includes moi). Ok, I will 'fess up. Last week, out of excitement, I told my two siblings too. Haha! And just yesterday I told two of my closest friends overseas because I just had to tell them ahead of time and I need their advice too. Haha! But still, me keeping a secret for almost a month is so monumental! And I still have to keep this secret from my parents, BFFs and other friends so, help me God. :)

I guess now, I will have more time to blog and not just post stuff just to have something to post. I have time. I am waiting. And I'm positive, this is definitely worth the wait. :) Wish me major major big time luck, you guys! :D