hard-hitting questions

I was at Boracay a few days back but this time, I was with my BFFs; not alone. I actually enjoyed my time there, eating my heart out without any guilt just because I'm the thinnest amongst us and because my bikinis and monakini were all falling off. (eewww!) We all went together for our friend's wedding but more than that, we had our much needed pep-talk to and for each other, especially me being always the troubled one. I mostly had my pep-talk from my single friend, Jan who I'm always with because the other two were spending some of their time with their respective boyfriends. I love talking to Jan because she always "gets" me even when I couldn't explain myself. She would always show another perspective of the whole scenario I am in and most of the time, it would lead me to a solution to my issues. And I love how she just bombard me with questions until I find my answer and not just lay out all her opinions about my issues.

Not a lot of people know about the relationships or might I say, pseudo-relationships I had the past few months. It's been a year since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me and I have made a huge effort to open up myself to other people for a possible happy-ending with them. There's this one guy who have became my almost-lover. We never really talked about the label of our relationship but we enjoyed spending time together. I also never really talked about him to anyone but only to my BFFs which are the girls I was with in Boracay. That guy and I have parted ways already but not in a good way. It's sad that we ended up that way but that's the way life goes.

Jan asked me, "Did you really had feelings for him?" I have already moved on from him and I am happier now with another guy (who calls me doll). It's kinda sad that people think I just used "him" to get over my broken heart and I dumped him as soon as my current love came in, but I didn't. I didn't use him. Did I had feelings for him? I guess I would say, I love how he made me feel. I love how he gives me time, how he goes over his tabs for me and how he's different in a good way when he's with me. I never felt a strong love for him but I did open myself to him. I gave him time and chance for us to have that connection. I have searched deep within me if I there is a possibility for us to be more than just friends. For some reason, just when I thought that we have a shot of being a couple, something in me just died and the possibility of us being a couple got lost too.

It was not his fault but neither was it mine. I didn't use him. I had feelings for him but it was not enough to commit to him. I have searched my heart for his spot and tried to nurture that but it failed. I have nothing to complain about him, he's all that and more but it's just not him for me. I guess my only fault was I never explained myself to him. He just found one day that I stopped going out with him. I'm not really good at "dumping" people. I never said no, I just disappeared. He deserves more than that. He deserves a last talk with me but I can't handle it now.But for what it's worth, I did have feelings for him.